The Worst Online Date Ever

In a follow up to What not to do when approaching women online, this is a personal experience about online dating.

Many years ago when I was studying in the university, I did a project about online dating. I was exploring the psychology of people seeking relationships online. At that time, MRIC and ICQ were the rage (yes, it was a time without FACEBOOK). I spoke to many women and men who provided me with valuable information about the perils and wonders of online dating.

There was a particular woman called Melissa who wrote me long emails detailing all her past online experiences. Her experiences ranged from disastrous, to the outright bizarre. Thanks to her many interesting anecdotes, I actually got an A for the project. When I wrote her to tell her about it, she insisted that I should treat her to a good meal as a way of thanking her.

I had seriously no intention of meeting up with this woman because something about her just screams “WEIRD”. Maybe it’s the way she continuously write that she’s good looking and that she has a good figure? (which hot girl would actually keep writing you to tell you that she’s fucking hot?) Or maybe it’s all the disastrous online dates that she had experienced. (I mean what are the chances of someone screwing up like twenty online dates?)

Anyway, I kept rejecting her with excuses but she called me almost every other day. It got to a point that I actually felt stressed to hear the phone ring. My room mate picked up the phone and shoved the phone in my hand, mouthing the words “Be a Man!”. I figured I should just get it over and done with. So I made an appointment with her that evening to meet her at Orchard.

Orchard MRT

Evening came and it was with much trepidation that I stood outside Orchard MRT to wait for Melissa. Never have I understood the saying “Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.” I waited for her outside the train station and scanned the surroundings. The streets were filled with well-dressed, good looking people hurrying home after their shopping or dates. At that time, I received a phone call from her. She said she was walking towards the station and was at the traffic light junction.

I looked across the road and scanned all the women standing at the traffic light junction. Then I saw her. A sea of people parted and she was walking almost in slow-mo towards me. My mouth parted in a permanent O shape. Melissa possibly weighed about 100kg and was heading towards my direction. I imagined the earth under her feet shaking with every step. To think she told me that her boyfriend used to compliment her about her figure. I had a mental picture of her boyfriend as some sumo wrestler.

The Funny Sumo Dude

We shook hands and I tried my best to remain positive. After all, it was just a dinner. I asked her what she wanted to eat and she said she was fine with anything. As we strolled down the street, my mind was racing to figure out a restaurant that was not so crowded. I tried to make some conversation by asking her about her family and she started telling me the entire history of how the brothers are all famous doctors, how rich and classy their family is, and how big a house they are staying. It’s very strange hearing a 200 pound woman boasting about being rich and classy.

Now, you may have watched the Korean movie ‘200 pound beauty’ but I can assure you she is neither cute and I can bet my life she can’t sing as well. So forgive me for being shallow but I really wanted to eat my dinner and get out at record speed.

200 pound beauty

By then, we had already reached Forum Galleria, which was almost the end of the street. Then I remembered there was a Hard Rock Cafe which served pretty good Fajitas. We made our way there for dinner. She ordered some Seafood Spaghetti. While we waited for our food, she started telling me about all her ex boyfriends and how she found them to be disgusting, ungentlemanly, pervertish, stupid, and even UGLY. I almost choked on my glass of water.

Our food arrived and we started to eat. A simple concept of chewing food and swallowing turned out to be an exercise of disgust for Melissa. When I looked up from my Fajitas, I got a shock to see sauce dripping from her mouth. She was slurping the noodle and making very loud “Wooosh” sounds. On top of that, she continued to talk and I immediately lost my appetite. I had to refrain from looking at her and concentrate on my Fajitas.

After about half an hour, she finally finished and I uttered a silent prayer of thanks. She suggested that we should proceed to order some dessert and drinks and then party the night away at Hard Rock. I pretended that someone was calling me and excused myself to go to the toilet. I immediately called my friend to pick me up outside Hard Rock Cafe in 15 minutes since he was in Orchard.

I then told Melissa that I had an urgent matter to attend to but I assured her that I would love to meet up with her again. I thought her eyes started to well up in tears. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was leaving or that I had promised her that I would meet her again. Anyhow, I paid the bill and we both waited for my friend outside Hard Rock. He came in five minutes and I thank God for having such a great friend.